Bling (Confession of A King)

Higher and higher, we're gonna take it. Down to the wire, we're gonna make it out, Whoa-oh-oh higher and higher...

I would like to hear that as you guys stare through the glass window. I expect it to be packed and damn right there better be flowers. Lots of it. It will also be very disappointing if there aren't many crying girls. Being realistic, somehow or rather I believe there would be disproportionate amount of boys, which is disappointing since I always advocate the minimum of an equal gender ratio of 1:1.

It would be nice to have a slide show since I have so many pictures on hand. To accompany this, friends should be coming up the stage; incidentally, I don't really care if you can actually accomplish the speech because if you ain't crying, you ain't cool. Go for gold!

I never really fancied the whole sitting down affair as relatives whom you never knew came dressed down like slobs. No, no, that would simply not do. Everyone will have to be in his or her finest suits and dresses. It will have to be a grand affair fittingly held in someplace nice like a church. It does not have to be a church but it has to be a place with the appropriate grandeur like somewhere you would spot a grand piano where a hymnal would be played.

A perfect spot would be the school hall in ACJS or ACS(Barker) where a big portion of my life was spent or somewhere similar, I am not too fussy. I always did love those old halls; it was nice and grand with all its old history lingering in the air and the big empty space.

Let's keep this professional. There will be no curry chicken, bee hoon, orange syrup, chicken wings and whatnot. Okay, I will offer some reprieve by allowing finger food but ensure it has no bones and please, no seafood.

Oh and it occurred to me that it shouldn't last for anything more than an afternoon. Being there for three days is just a perfect waste of time. There should be a set time and a set place. If people can't make it because it is not convenient then we shall just have to move on. I mean seriously, do people hold parties for 3 days just so everyone can turn up? My playlist wouldn't last that long.

Ah yes, which brings me down to what must be said. Remember, the most important thing is the street cred. Never mention dota. Ever. Oh my god, I swear I will turn in my grave if anyone were to even mention that game. We don't want to see pictures of spending time in IRC. People need to see pictures of me sailing. Although, I assume that everyone attending would have known me well enough to given silent nods of discreet understanding.

I think alcohol should be allowed. I always say that when times are tough you need to drink a little wine. Red please. I don't drink white. Although it will be a little uncomfortable if anyone were to get smashed. I recommend proceeding to Zouk, as you should all be dressed to kill.

Pictures! There are tons of nice ones on facebook; I think it would be entirely appropriate to choose one that looks good. Due to this requirement, YF isn't allowed to choose it because he has bad taste. If I had a say in this, it should be one with slightly longer hair, cool specs and while ensuring that in the photo, I am wearing layers. Yes I was reviewing some pictures of good dressers and these guys are always in layers so I equate layers = looking cool.

Ah DC once asked what should be written on my tombstone. But let's be clear, we don't have tombstones anymore. We get burnt. It’s just not realistic even though it’s a very romantic idea. Maybe I can get one in NC like those you see in the movies. But to sum up an entire life in one line is a daunting task. I do hope at least one of you has something good to say.

I guess it’s only right if we talk about it. I had a conversation with KK and we concluded that it is because people never talk about it and that's why its not done right. I used to think about the futility of such an event but after some thought, it’s very clear. You want things to be done a certain way because it’s your "last" event. So even though you aren't there, you want people to be there to talk about old times, listen to sad songs and cry like a bitch because that is right.

This is my snore! I mean roar!

I have a problem. Unknownst to me, through deduction and conspiracy, there is a sudden realisation that I snore like a bear in the forest. It could be the cotton mouth when I awaken from slumber or the shushed whispers that go on behind my back. Whatever it is, I believe it is there, lurking in the shadows, in the dark recesses. It creeps up on me with its wicked fangs in the middle of the night and delivers a thundering roar.

When I think back, it must have started in those scouting days when tents were still cool. I remember the morning after, as Zu Boon rubbed his sleepy eyes remarking that I made a lot of noise. I dismissed it casually, how could it be if I managed to sleep so soundly? Being perfectly refreshed, I naturally assumed it had to be his imagination running wild.

This monster persisted in stalking my every move rearing itself when I went into the army. While sleeping in my shell-scrape (a hole you dig in the ground to dodge enemy fire), I was awoken violently by my platoon mates. They were laughing as if possessed. At that moment, I felt sure that the lack the food and excessive exercise had driven them past the brink of insanity. Nonetheless, even if everyone went mad, I felt sleep was still important, Thereby I flipping over and promptly falling deeply into sleep dreaming of pretty girls slipping colas and throw Mcnuggets at me as I danced around in a field of mealows. The following day, I queried them about this mutinous insubordination, for people must realise I am not to be woken in any circumstances. They related this story to me.

In the middle of the night, they heard a noise, faint at first but increasing in its ferocity. More and more of them woke up at the sound of the snots. In this forest, it could only mean one thing, there had to be an approaching boar and judging by the noise, an angry one to boot. They banded together and went in search for this beast to chase it away from the campsite.

"It must be attracted to the smell of food" said one.

"Maybe we entered into its terroritory" said another. Louder and louder the noise grew as they crept closer to the source. As their eyes became accustomed to the dark, LO BEHOLD! There was no beast! Only a man. That man was me.

Over the years, my problem exacerbated. My brother's constant screams at 2am, the cries of my friends when I stayed over and more recently, the embarressment when I slept in Peter's brother living room whom I had just met that night.

Oh man, I had actually woken up 5 minutes before everybody in the living room (there were about 10 people who had also stayed over) because I needed to get a glass of water. Following which, I proceeded to get back into the couch and assumed fetal position due to the chilly temperature.

Immediately after, some of them woke up and had a 2 minute dissertation of how loud my snores were. Oh boy , the SHAME!

Perhaps I will eventually require a machine in order to fall asleep. The doctors might certify that I am sleep abnormal. I liken myself to Darth Vader needing a body of armour and a mask to breath. That sounds quite cool doesn't it? If all goes well, maybe I will have a Brad Pitt mask or better yet the flavour of the moment, Rain. Ah well, I ought to see a sleep specialist asap least all future girls read this and head for the hills.

A lower lip pout every time I open my mailbox

2700 Cates Avenue
4008 Alexander Hall
Raleigh, NC 27607

I have been living a lie in Singapore. I have been deceived, lied to, cheated and painfully tricked over and over again. It is becoming painfully clear that the way to attract chicks is by being calm, collected and silent. My hallway is loads of fun especially since I sit around my room all day observing an American college dorm through my open door.

Take this case in point, there are two American guys living in the hallways. Both are relatively tall and American, thus a good case for comparison. One of them is good looking, has a great sculptured body and is lively with conversation. The other is not as good looking although that perhaps is relative, doesn't have a gymtastic (like fantastic but what one normally sees in a gym) body and he doesn't say much. No prizes for guessing which dude gets all the chicks. I mean for fuck sakes, his girlfriend looks like Kristen Dunst and still there are girls hitting on him. Come on, that's just not even fair anymore.

I am postulating that it is because girls simply love to hear themselves talk. I mean comparing the two, visually its no contest at all. For all that talk about girls wanting humour, looks and intelligence, I believe its just an outright blatent lie. They will try to justify this situation that perhaps its because the noisy guy is too childish. Well that's just bullshit.

Its so simple, you just need to shut the fuck up and girls will come like flies to honey. Just so they can talk and talk, form opinions for you and mould you to their liking. Lively/Childish people cannot be moulded as they are way too smart that's why girls avoid them.

With this supreme knowledge, I can comfortably give up my gym session which is causing so much pain in my life. Just the other day, I woke up at 3 am because I needed to use the restroom. What a sight for sore eyes that was. I was prostrated on my back with my arms curled up beside me in a shape of a U. Drool was all over the pillow as I groaned like a helpless puppy. After that afternoon's hour of "pumping my guns", I was incapable of movement and every slight action caused an inordinate amount of pain. It was truly a Kodak moment as I was sprawling all over my red sheets like a tortoise on its back.

Anyway damn these American girls. Damn all girls and their capacity for lies.

Over the weekend, I have realised that acceptable behaviour at home is not the same as those here. After a school event called Asian Nite, I went to a club which was filled with Asian kids (Note, the correct use of Asian here). It truly felt like home with the interweaving of Trance and Hip-hop. True to my name, I got sloshed pretty quickly and fell asleep on the table. When I woke up, the truth hit me like a 500 pound wall. I was still in the club! What the hell, no one sent me home.

Feeling drunk and disgusted at the same time, my mind went into overdrive. You know the panicky feeling you get when you wake up and you are late for work. As thoughts rush by like a train, where's the alarm? why didn't it ring? where am I? who am I? fuck what did I do last night? okay fuck I need to get out of here now? shit rub legs a bit its comfortable? okay how late am I? Well anyhoo, I had a similar experience as I wondered why the music was pumping. Wasn't I suppose to hear the sweet melodies of malayu rock with the smell of fragrant pratas surrounding me. The ironies... after all I was singing Enrique Iglesias - Hero that very afternoon. Where's that damn hero?

Anyway girls suck and silent guys suck even more.

My t-shirt is tight but that's OKAY!

Fuckin' tight t-shirts, I am sorry to say but S-sized threadless t-shirts + an insatiable appetite makes my body look like a Da Vinci cubism painting. I would like to think I have grown hunkier, I mean I place one end of the sleeve on the left and measure how far it goes to the right. It doesn't hit the end of my right shoulder which indicates broader shoulders correct? I am living a lie. God damn buffet! At every meal time, I feel like a harvester gorging myself on all those beautiful tomatoes.

Which brings me to my dormmate, well actually food has nothing to do with my dormmate but I just want to bitch about him. Here are the fast facts. He lives across the hall. He is from India. He arrived 1 week after me. This is his first time here. He stands waaaay too close to me. I think he mistook us for friends when I was friendly towards him. Now he just freaks the hell out of me. I don't understand why these fresh-off-the-damn-boat-people always must stand half an arms length while talking to you. Does it look like I want to kiss you? He even touched me on the shoulders while in conversation. My anti-gay-vibes just went berserk at that moment. Never touch a chinese guy you just met. NEVER! Disclaimer: Unless you are a hot chick, then touch away my friend!

He used to spend an inordinate amount of time in my room. He pissed me off in so many ways. After the first couple of hi-bye, He took it to the next level by constently inviting himself into my room and sitting on my bed. WTF RIGHT? Nobody sits on my bed! Furthermore you would think he gets the hint after I ignore him for 10 mins. But does he go away? NOOOOO and I mean NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He just sits there and sits there and sits there and sits there some more and stares at my computer screen as I continue doing my shit. Omg, he obviously failed every social class known to mankind. You want to make friends? Go sit in the fuckin' common hall or the TV room where everyone is at. FYI, we are not Asian brothers. Only China, Korea, Japan, Thailand and Vietnam are considered Asian not you.

How much does he piss me off? Let me tell you the most terrible sin of all. During the cookout where the pictures are posted on facebook, I was walking around taking pictures, doing my thing. He came over on the pretence of looking at some pictures before snatching the camera from under my nose to take a picture of his roommate. Which he then proceeded to comment on "what a nice picture it was" which pissed me off even more cause it was a fairly nice picture but that is not the point. FUCK! Taking my camera to snap a picture is a hundred times worse than sitting on my bed. You have no idea how shocked I was as I stood there flabbergusted at his audacity. I hate it when people touch my camera. I absolutely abhor it. TMD if I had a gun I swear I would have pulled the trigger.

Recently he has left me alone I think he suspects something is up. I do give him dagger stares everytime he passes my room. Fuck I might consider closing my door from now on.

Bored of the food already

Even though I am sick of the american food, I realise I have caught their diease of excessive eating. As every meal comprises of a buffet line, I find myself eating more than my fair share of portions. A typical meal is a bowl of salad, a bowl of soup, a plate of pasta, a plate of french fries (I love the fries, sometimes I take double) and a plate of the special for the day. As you can see after gorging myself for every lunch and dinner, I am very confident of gaining a minimum of 10 kg within this 5 months. Finally I can understand what Alywn went through and I sympathise while stuffing my face. My only hope is that the chinese metabolism within me will go into overdrive.

On another sad note, I have not met any cheerleading girls yet. The typical dumb blonde who loves to scream while wearing a red skirt eludes me to this day. It is terribly disappointing. My shy demure is definitely not the way to go in this country. I believe it is not seen as brooding and cool rather that damn quiet asian boy...

10,000 reasons why I love my bed

This is a picture of my room for the first two nights.

Utterly miserable, without a blanket or pillow while I shiver in the cold.

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One trip to Target with an expenditure of USD110.62 later...

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My room is transformed!

So damn beautiful, I am completely at a loss for words.

Bring on the babes!

I have no blanket!

I take my showers at the end of the corridoor at picture(5). As I walk along the walkways, I realise I am sending the wrong message. A half-naked asian kid wrapped in a rainbow paul smith towel donning purple spectacles is definitely not the way to attract the girls.

I took a walk to town today. It is approximately an hour from here and there is an IHOP along the way. I completely busted my knee in the process and am currently walking with a limp. It is terrible, the city I mean not the knee. The entire "city" only has 4 buildings which have more than 20 stories. Even more pressing is the fact that there doesn't seem to be any real shopping malls. All my friends Louis, Tiffany, Ralph, Tommy and Paul are missing and there definitely isn't a zouk in town. Help!

Anyway just for the update, I have posted some pictures of my room below and the corridoor just outside my room (I live on the 1st Floor). Some people were hanging out right outside while I snapped some shots. I am staying in a 3 level dorm. The 1st floor is for guys, the 2nd is co-ed and the 3rd is for females. I have yet to venture to the 3rd floor, I am hoping it is full of girls walking around wrapped in only a towel after their bath. I have high hopes.

My room. I have no blanket or pillow yet. Its fuckin' freezing.

NYC

Hello,

I finally made it to the United States. Here is where I am sitting. I am sure its familar to those of you who have been to NY. So far the trip has been disappointing and have yet to be approached by hot american girls. I even came went to terminal 4 which services SIA to no avail. This sucks. I hope NC proves better.