butter than before

I like the new place, really. When I walked in, it appeals to me immediately. The little small panels screening old Sega commercials, the bright pop art of weird cartoon figures. The awkward sublime concepts that litter the place. I could never open a club because they have already taken my concept and conceived it.

It's really strange. B. said that perhaps I think like them which is a very scary thought. He noticed the parallels of how I'd like to dress up occasionally just as they dress up in their bizarre mismatched patterns every friday and saturday night Maybe, perhaps, could be that they are a different, slightly more extreme version of me. I also found out that they are old barker boys too, how coincidental is that? .

A bigger better me? I always wonder about people that have similar backgrounds to me like Chris whom sailors have mentioned I resemble. It's a scary thought when you meet someone that is just like you but better. He looks like a better you, a smarter you, he has similar personalities but everyone just likes him more. What do you do when you meet a clone that is superior compared than you in everything that you do? Do you just give up? Is it a pointless fight?

I think I'll retire into the night and just fade away.

Ah! You got me again!

You know those people standing along the street distributing flyers to advertise for a product or shop? Today, I was tricked by one of these FDs while walking to my workplace. As I walked pass her, I could sense her enthuasiasm and determinism. You could just sense it, the way she tried to catch my eye from a distance or her approach as she took two steps in my direction. The intent was definitely there, I could feel the magic.

I grabbed the leaflet and took a quick glance. It said, "GREAT NEWS FOR MEN ! GET TALLER BY 6 TO 10 CM IMMEDIATELY. Turn the Increased Height into Confidence."

I looked a little closer and SOAB! she gave me an advertisement for hidden heels. It was obvious that from a distance she identified me out of a pool of people and felt I was in great need for their product. I can't believe I got mocked by a flyer distributor. This is really gonna be a great work day...

loops & loops

I have a cat in my room. I like to stare at it as it smiles back at me. I always wonder what it would say to me when it sees me here, sitting down upon my bed, every night with my computer on while the radio belts out love tunes every night at this particular time.

It is always smiling; brightly coloured so I imagine it would spout happy and reassuring thoughts. It sees me waking up the middle of the night as I toss and turn in the dark. Although it is pitch black, I am sure it can see me for we all know cats can see in darkness. It probably isn't very good feng sui as I am born in the year of the rat and it is a cat. It sits there, on the table top, staring at me, toying with me. Perhaps it is not that good natured after all, in its eyes, I might just be a prey as it watches on.

It is represents shades of nature coated in crimson, night, sun, orange, snow, sky and grass. It represents a lot of things depending on my mood. Often I watch southpark in my room and I think it is laughing with me at the jokes which we understand. It smiles in enjoyment at the songs I play. Then again, I still think it could just be laughing at me. I am still in two minds over this. I will need to observe this cat’s behaviour a little bit more.

Its eyes are close so it can't see but that might just be a guise to keep me unaware. Is it a friend or is it foe? I am struck by my indecision. But it seems to be that way in all manners in life so I guess you just have to stick it out and hope for the best. I read this in a Times bookstore the other day. “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” I like that phase. The unpredictability of it all. It makes life more interesting, more fun, more ups and more downs. Just like this cat. I don't know how it is gonna pan out.

I will sing to it more songs and we will see how it goes.

holding out for a hero

It must be the lack of computer games. I blame it on the withdrawal symptoms. My life was great when I was playing games. But now, since I stare at the computer screen all day, it is the last thing I want to do when I get home. It is ironic that even though I say that, I am staring at the screen typing away.

You know what’s funny? How one simple sentence can alter your mood completely. Damn you Brandon, I was listening to holding out for a hero, trying to spot the Lighting Reverent that did not materialise. Fuck, another bout of nightmares to be served again, I really need to get a grip of these motions.

Low maintaince, high fidelity

I am a peculiar creature of habit. I like to perform a fix set of routines that have to be done in a certain order and fashion. When I am short for time, I would think ahead and visualise it the routine and perform it at double-speed time in an almost comical fashion. The weird thing about this is even though I am in a rush; I will try my best not to skip any actions within the routine, which I think is really damn weird.

For example, before I leave the house, I have to brush my teeth, shower, use the towel on the door, replace the towel on the rack with the towel from the door, place the towel from the rack on the door, brush my hair, go to my room and wear my boxers, open the curtains, fold my blanket, dry my hair with a smaller towel hanging in the room, and get dressed.

These events always occurs before I leave and in that exact order.

Here's another routine I go through when I am looking for a seat in a restaurant. The seat must not be located next to a dustbin. I can’t stand it. When seated in such a position, my eyes will tend to drift to the bin and it’s as if a spider is crawling up my legs, you know the feeling. Next, the seat must not be near a door. I really don't appreciate it when people are walking to and fro around your table, it is even worse when the door leads to the toilet.

Next, would be the view. If the view from my seat is facing a kitchen or wall, it really really sucks for me. This criterion might be the most important of all. I need it to face out into the open so I don't feel constricted. As you can see, every time I enter a restaurant these thoughts zoom through my head in a psycho sort of mental checklist. When someone I am with suggests a seat that is not ideal, I will subtle recommend another seat but put it in a diplomatic manner, “Would you rather seat here or there?”

Normally the intonation of there is much higher and inviting as compared to here. I may be a freak but I sure don’t want the person to know that. Strange but true. I am sure I am not the only one that thinks in this manner. People probably do this too but they are always better at covering their tracks.

What is it like to live in isolation for months on ends

Imagine being trapped in a tin-can for 520 days with 6 other fools on an expedition to Mars. Oh man, I wonder who would sign up for such a deal? There are moments in sailing when I am cold, wet, tired and hungry; lost at the sea as the rain is beating down my face and I just wonder, what the hell am I doing on a fine Sunday afternoon when I could be in bed?

Those fools probably have it worse. Much worse. The sudden realisation that they do not want to be there must be terrifying when they are thousands of miles from home and surrounded by a vacuum. There is no escape. I would think contemplating suicide would pose a problem.

Recently, I have been thinking. Imagine if the Kepler Telescope found intelligent life 1,000 light years away and there is significant evidence that they are trying to contact and reach us. Would it fundamentally change the entire dynamics of our society and economy?

I would like to think that the knowledge of knowing there is someone else out there would change our entire perspective and motivation. Countries will no longer compete over resources, people will no longer be that materialistic. There will be a concerted effort towards reaching that signal.

The allure of another being has always been so attractive that one can't resist the intense curiosity. People separated by huge geological distances have always inspired an entire culture to be transfixed on broaching the distance and it could well happen again.

Are you imaging the possibilities?

I cannot turn to see those eyes

Last night was terrible, sorry fio but that's an awful idea. I went to work today and was hit with a little introspection. The programme was a little different, which allowed me to interact with some of my colleagues. Today, being the first day I met them, I was able to have lunch and sit through a couple of lectures together.

These colleagues are specifically, 3 girls. By the end of the day, they seemed to be really at ease with me, it was obvious through their posture, choice of words and jokes they made. In fact, I could see it in their eyes that I have been strictly categorised in the "friends" ladder. I began to question why this was so as I rode home. What exactly did I do to fuck myself over?

I came to this conclusion. Its a combination of my small size, bookish looks and the final damning feature? My self-deprecating humour. Sure it makes me a lot of friends and keeps the attention but it also disqualifies me. With that brand of humour, I instantly put girls at ease but at the same time it immediately destroys any form of sexual tension that may exist. Furthermore, I realise I tend to do it excessively to the point where its almost natural.

I must stop this. Right now. Perhaps it will change my personality, maybe I will become uninteresting and boring. But looking at the choices, I guess there is no choice at all.

meow

Nature is mocking me. As I was parking my bike, I saw a black cat lying motionless in one of the parking lots. It was an extremely odd place for a cat to be at. I assumed it was dead as it lying face up, perhaps it had been killed by a vehicle so I went closer to take a look.

True enough it wasn't moving, then I saw a twitch. I approached a little closer and sure enough it opened its eyes. What happened next truly takes the cake. While lying in that vulnerable awkward position, she stuck out her tongue at me then proceeded to fall back asleep. I was flabbergasted. Am I not big enough? Am I not close enough to be perceived as a threat? I mean where the fuck is my respect?

I approached even closer still and shouted HEY! The response? Not even a flinch, she just stole a peek and promptly ignored me. I was totally disgusted with this cat. I had half a mind to toss her into the drain but somehow I couldn't do it and I think she knew that too. The irony of this situation was not lost on me.

 

impeding doom

I feel this is my only outlet. It allows me to let it all out and keep myself together. Where I can express all my thoughts and maybe just feel a little bit better. I tend to talk in codes because I don't think I want anyone to truly know. Perhaps I am afraid. I think I am afraid. Maybe inside, I am just hoping for someone to understand. Its self-pity. I know its disgusting. But I just can't help myself. I feel like I am spiralling downwards.

Jie-mei

What's new right? It just seems to be a recurring theme that constantly arises to remind me of my place in life. Let me cite the examples that have occurred in this week alone.

Zouk Winebar

Me: Wait, what did you say?

Jamie: You are non-threatening. You have always been this way since Junior College, that's why I am okay with hanging out with you even though you are drunk.

Me: Hey, I can get slimy if I wanted to.

Jiamei: Nope you can’t. You are nonthreatening.

Jamie: *Nods vigorously in agreement*

FML

 

Brava Pasta

Fiona: You are just a bit gu-niang.

Me: What?!

Fiona: I mean like a little bit metro.

Me: How?

Fiona: You know? The clothes you wear and the things you say like, Dejavu! Guys don't say these things like this.

Me: wtf?

Fiona: You are just kinda Jie-mei.

FML

 

White Rabbit

Christina: Come! let's take a picture all of us, the banana gang!

Of which I am roped in together with Lynn, kk, Christina and Sheryl.

Me: Wait what? Since when am I in the banana gang? (note: I have not seen Christina in 4 years)

Chirstina: You are one of the girls! A Jie-mei.

FML

 

This just has to be some sick joke that is being played on me. After the devastation of last week, I get all these coincidental unwarranted outbursts. I truly believe I just might be a lost cause.

 

I got psychoanalysed by Fiona on my fallin' in love pattern which does not work out with girls. For instance, I am only attracted to a girl after hanging out with her for a little while, that being 6-8 weeks. However by that time, I have been permanently categorised under the friendship ladder which according to her is near impossible to escape from.

 

Guys are suppose to make a move on a girl and begin the wooing process in a short period of time after meeting her, it is also contingent that the guy must not know the girl very well. However, that simply does not work for me because I am only attracted to a girl after talking to her for some time and to do that, normally it would require us to be friends.

 

So basically, I am shooting myself in the foot. I never thought about it this way but when I look back, I think it is true. Pondering on the remedies, I was offered some suggestions by her which might work to alleviate these situations I get myself in.

 

Unfortunately on that night, she saw some of my friends and upon observing my interactions with them, concluded that I was a lost cause. Her only advice? "I guess you just have to give the serious talk." Which everyone knows is always doomed to failure.  Fmylife.

 

i'm federer!

Played a spot of tennis yesterday and it was a good feeling. Nothing beats depression like taking it out on a little green ball. I am actually terrible in the courts, in fact I would say I hardly a player.My first tennis session occurred in secondary school. I was invited to play tennis with YF and Tim at Tiffany's courts. Tiffany wasn't there but I heard she was looking out at us from her balcony. It must have been embarrassing when I started to change in the court assuming that no one was around. Maybe she was impressed by what she saw but that's truly a long shot.

Anyway in my first tennis session, YF bought down some "God" balls. They are aptly named because it was black in colour and every ball had an inscription of a verse on them. Being my first session, every other ball flew way over the net, occasionally the ball would fly up into heaven as it vanishes into the distance. I'd like to think they went back to heaven but I think it just ended up in someone's backyard.

Undoubtedly, YF was pissed, we came with a bucket of balls and when we left, its was either half empty or half full, depending on your point of view. Apparently or so he says, the God balls were expensive. From then on, I was never again called down to play tennis and that ended my career.

Fast-forward to yesterday, my backhands were awesome. I was Roger Ferderer. Alright fine, not as good as Ferderer and my backhands only land on the other side of the courts occasionally. Still, I believe it’s a great improvement from those days.

The feeling of hitting a backhand on the sweet spot is extremely satisfying, visualising as I lean back into my office chair, I can feel it, savour it, its almost like true love. You know the dryness in the mouth, the beating of your heart, the awkwardness. Okay fine that sounds a little bit like being in a coma while watching TV but you get the drift.

Perhaps I am not improving at all; maybe it’s just my perception from my own side of the court. I get all these fancy shots in but I don’t win the game. I’d like to destroy my opponents but you know what they say don’t hate the player, hate the game. I guess when you see Nadal lift the trophy, you can only wonder how did it go all wrong.

Thanks Terry, all those Sunday sessions paid off (only 2 actually). Wimbledon watch out! There ‘s a new kid in town and his backhand means business.

Left 4 Dead

I find it ironic that over the past few years we have been criticising Americans for running a hugely unsustainable fiscal deficit and overspending beyond their means. When I was in the United States over a year ago, that mindset seemed to be in fashion. Economist were up in arms trying to defend themselves while governments and papers around the world were printing stories of their extravagents and why we shouldn't support it any further.

Look at the world today. Even since they stopped spending and started saving, we have sort of been in a runt. Admittedly, most governments realise that the only way out of this recession is if we can get Americans happy and optimistic enough to start buying stuff again. The global economy is a very strange system. People are only productive and wealthly if someone is consuming these goods which allows production to occur and no one spends better than the Americans.

On hindsight of this recession, it becomes painfully obvious that even though the US government funds their economy by printing money, it is much better than the situation that we are in now. At least everyone had a job and people were feeling better about themselves.

Maybe someone else should be spending this money. The Chinese? The Indians? The Japanese? The Singaporeans? That's a thought isn't it? However, that idea simply is not going to happen. Us Asians are much happier keeping our money under our bed and watching the stack grow.

This Asian methodology clearly requires some tweaking. Look at the Japan, they have been in a recession for the past 10 years even though they possess the highest savings rate in the world. I mean I just read in the newspaper that the Japanese reuse their bath water! The largest Japanese companies like Honda and Toyota had to go to guess where? That's right, the United States and they are now one of the largest companies in the world.

Perhaps these Americans have got something right after all. They have a cake and they are eating it too. Maybe we can learn a thing or two about these "ignorant" Americans because the joke is on us.

It will be a new wave thinking, make money by spending your money. We can back this up by suggesting welfare all around Asia, that way there will be some form of security to make up for these excessive spending. But honestly, we probably wouldn't need to use it because we will all be richer from all this spending! Hooray ipods for all!

i've got soul but i am not a soldier

I have to admit, I think I am leaping from one pit to another. It is a terrible place to be in and it just keeps getting worse. I used to have nightmares. I dreamt that all my teeth have fallen out and it was extremely terrifying. It got to the point where I was afraid to go to bed.

Its coming back. I couldn't sleep again last night. I could feel my heartbeat in my head. Sean told me that you get that when you are feeling very stressed. The beats are constantly there, to the point where it is pounding in my head and I feel there has to be something wrong.

I don't really like it. I realise a way to get rid of nightmares is to listen to the radio before I sleep. Somehow the music tends to distract your brain so you don't dream. So some nights I try that but it is always tuned to 95fm which I guess is the lesser of two evils.

These mood fluctuations are killin' me. Just an hour ago I was feeling pretty happy. Now its killin' me. I wanna stand up. I wanna let go. You know you know no you dont you dont.

Bones

I must be shameless. That is the only explaination. When I see some passed out fool, I always shake my head in disgust and think what a loser. But time and time again, I turn out to be the fool. Is it any wonder?

alcatraz

So I am trapped by my cubicle walls. As the height of the walls almost reach the top of my head, I have no idea whether my colleagues are sitting at their desk. This poses a problem in the morning when I would want to say hello and in the afternoon when I need to go for lunch. It will even be a problem as I would never know if its safe to use facebook.

I thought it through and it dawned upon me that the problem can be solved with a mirror. If I angle it over the cubicle walls, I will be able to see if anyone is at their desk. It would be perfect. I would no longer have to do the 'tip-toe and realise I am not tall enough followed by standing on the legs of my chair and when that doesn't work, finally climbing awkwardly onto the top of my table and being embarress when there is someone there' routine.

However, I did not have a mirror, the stapler wasn't reflective enough and the scissors looked a little too dangerous. Just when I was about to resign myself to another flawed plan, Eureka hit! But of course, its so simple, elementary my dear watson, I could just use my camera.

Its brilliant! Now I switch on my camera mode and use it to peek over these prison walls. If you do see a small black object over the top of your desk. Do not be alarmed. Its just me. I do hope I dont get in trouble for harressment.

The Return

Alas it has come to this. Perfectly hidden in my little cubbyhole as I munch on my coldstorage-sushi, which unfortunately has a tad too much wasabi causing uncontrollable fits that has to be kept silent. Through my immense suffering, my mind turned once again to this blog; my only solace to fully explain my predicament and perhaps even snag me some sympathy points from female readers, dare I say.

That's right! Its day 5 of working for my country and the situation is getting dire. I had rightfully assumed that I was off to a good start. After all, I began on the 3rd of February 2009, which coincidently is the 9th day of the Lunar New Year, which to my ang moh friends among you readers is a super duper auspicious day. My boss was hospitalised ensuring that I will have work and will be able to seize the chance to read up on this industry and appear knowledgeable when he returned.

Furthermore, my desk is located on a different floor from the rest of the department ensuring peace and quiet; in terms of work assigned meaning I get nothing. Ah, how was I to know that these factors would all serve to my downfall. I relish the day when I will look back at this and laugh. (Personally, I hope that day is next week. *Fingers crossed*)


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WallWallWall_ --------------_ WallWallWall
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_________WindowWindow

- : Cubicles
X : Me

As you can see, my desk is in an ideal location. Nobody walks by it and I have a window location. This however also means that nobody knows when I am there. Sitting around me are 3 supposed colleagues in my department. Supposed because none of them are ever there! One moved upstairs, another is on MC (my boss) and finally the last person is never around. I suspect he could be avoiding me after all I wasn’t invited to lunch! Thus, my relating of the sad predicament above.

I am soooooooo saaaaaad. Why wouldn't people have lunch with me.

My only daily interaction is with the cleaning lady when she comes to clear my wastepaper basket twice a day. Oh the follies of man, I shouldn't have planned for this so perfectly. Too perfectly...