butter than before

I like the new place, really. When I walked in, it appeals to me immediately. The little small panels screening old Sega commercials, the bright pop art of weird cartoon figures. The awkward sublime concepts that litter the place. I could never open a club because they have already taken my concept and conceived it.

It's really strange. B. said that perhaps I think like them which is a very scary thought. He noticed the parallels of how I'd like to dress up occasionally just as they dress up in their bizarre mismatched patterns every friday and saturday night Maybe, perhaps, could be that they are a different, slightly more extreme version of me. I also found out that they are old barker boys too, how coincidental is that? .

A bigger better me? I always wonder about people that have similar backgrounds to me like Chris whom sailors have mentioned I resemble. It's a scary thought when you meet someone that is just like you but better. He looks like a better you, a smarter you, he has similar personalities but everyone just likes him more. What do you do when you meet a clone that is superior compared than you in everything that you do? Do you just give up? Is it a pointless fight?

I think I'll retire into the night and just fade away.

Ah! You got me again!

You know those people standing along the street distributing flyers to advertise for a product or shop? Today, I was tricked by one of these FDs while walking to my workplace. As I walked pass her, I could sense her enthuasiasm and determinism. You could just sense it, the way she tried to catch my eye from a distance or her approach as she took two steps in my direction. The intent was definitely there, I could feel the magic.

I grabbed the leaflet and took a quick glance. It said, "GREAT NEWS FOR MEN ! GET TALLER BY 6 TO 10 CM IMMEDIATELY. Turn the Increased Height into Confidence."

I looked a little closer and SOAB! she gave me an advertisement for hidden heels. It was obvious that from a distance she identified me out of a pool of people and felt I was in great need for their product. I can't believe I got mocked by a flyer distributor. This is really gonna be a great work day...

loops & loops

I have a cat in my room. I like to stare at it as it smiles back at me. I always wonder what it would say to me when it sees me here, sitting down upon my bed, every night with my computer on while the radio belts out love tunes every night at this particular time.

It is always smiling; brightly coloured so I imagine it would spout happy and reassuring thoughts. It sees me waking up the middle of the night as I toss and turn in the dark. Although it is pitch black, I am sure it can see me for we all know cats can see in darkness. It probably isn't very good feng sui as I am born in the year of the rat and it is a cat. It sits there, on the table top, staring at me, toying with me. Perhaps it is not that good natured after all, in its eyes, I might just be a prey as it watches on.

It is represents shades of nature coated in crimson, night, sun, orange, snow, sky and grass. It represents a lot of things depending on my mood. Often I watch southpark in my room and I think it is laughing with me at the jokes which we understand. It smiles in enjoyment at the songs I play. Then again, I still think it could just be laughing at me. I am still in two minds over this. I will need to observe this cat’s behaviour a little bit more.

Its eyes are close so it can't see but that might just be a guise to keep me unaware. Is it a friend or is it foe? I am struck by my indecision. But it seems to be that way in all manners in life so I guess you just have to stick it out and hope for the best. I read this in a Times bookstore the other day. “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.” I like that phase. The unpredictability of it all. It makes life more interesting, more fun, more ups and more downs. Just like this cat. I don't know how it is gonna pan out.

I will sing to it more songs and we will see how it goes.

holding out for a hero

It must be the lack of computer games. I blame it on the withdrawal symptoms. My life was great when I was playing games. But now, since I stare at the computer screen all day, it is the last thing I want to do when I get home. It is ironic that even though I say that, I am staring at the screen typing away.

You know what’s funny? How one simple sentence can alter your mood completely. Damn you Brandon, I was listening to holding out for a hero, trying to spot the Lighting Reverent that did not materialise. Fuck, another bout of nightmares to be served again, I really need to get a grip of these motions.

Low maintaince, high fidelity

I am a peculiar creature of habit. I like to perform a fix set of routines that have to be done in a certain order and fashion. When I am short for time, I would think ahead and visualise it the routine and perform it at double-speed time in an almost comical fashion. The weird thing about this is even though I am in a rush; I will try my best not to skip any actions within the routine, which I think is really damn weird.

For example, before I leave the house, I have to brush my teeth, shower, use the towel on the door, replace the towel on the rack with the towel from the door, place the towel from the rack on the door, brush my hair, go to my room and wear my boxers, open the curtains, fold my blanket, dry my hair with a smaller towel hanging in the room, and get dressed.

These events always occurs before I leave and in that exact order.

Here's another routine I go through when I am looking for a seat in a restaurant. The seat must not be located next to a dustbin. I can’t stand it. When seated in such a position, my eyes will tend to drift to the bin and it’s as if a spider is crawling up my legs, you know the feeling. Next, the seat must not be near a door. I really don't appreciate it when people are walking to and fro around your table, it is even worse when the door leads to the toilet.

Next, would be the view. If the view from my seat is facing a kitchen or wall, it really really sucks for me. This criterion might be the most important of all. I need it to face out into the open so I don't feel constricted. As you can see, every time I enter a restaurant these thoughts zoom through my head in a psycho sort of mental checklist. When someone I am with suggests a seat that is not ideal, I will subtle recommend another seat but put it in a diplomatic manner, “Would you rather seat here or there?”

Normally the intonation of there is much higher and inviting as compared to here. I may be a freak but I sure don’t want the person to know that. Strange but true. I am sure I am not the only one that thinks in this manner. People probably do this too but they are always better at covering their tracks.

What is it like to live in isolation for months on ends

Imagine being trapped in a tin-can for 520 days with 6 other fools on an expedition to Mars. Oh man, I wonder who would sign up for such a deal? There are moments in sailing when I am cold, wet, tired and hungry; lost at the sea as the rain is beating down my face and I just wonder, what the hell am I doing on a fine Sunday afternoon when I could be in bed?

Those fools probably have it worse. Much worse. The sudden realisation that they do not want to be there must be terrifying when they are thousands of miles from home and surrounded by a vacuum. There is no escape. I would think contemplating suicide would pose a problem.

Recently, I have been thinking. Imagine if the Kepler Telescope found intelligent life 1,000 light years away and there is significant evidence that they are trying to contact and reach us. Would it fundamentally change the entire dynamics of our society and economy?

I would like to think that the knowledge of knowing there is someone else out there would change our entire perspective and motivation. Countries will no longer compete over resources, people will no longer be that materialistic. There will be a concerted effort towards reaching that signal.

The allure of another being has always been so attractive that one can't resist the intense curiosity. People separated by huge geological distances have always inspired an entire culture to be transfixed on broaching the distance and it could well happen again.

Are you imaging the possibilities?

I cannot turn to see those eyes

Last night was terrible, sorry fio but that's an awful idea. I went to work today and was hit with a little introspection. The programme was a little different, which allowed me to interact with some of my colleagues. Today, being the first day I met them, I was able to have lunch and sit through a couple of lectures together.

These colleagues are specifically, 3 girls. By the end of the day, they seemed to be really at ease with me, it was obvious through their posture, choice of words and jokes they made. In fact, I could see it in their eyes that I have been strictly categorised in the "friends" ladder. I began to question why this was so as I rode home. What exactly did I do to fuck myself over?

I came to this conclusion. Its a combination of my small size, bookish looks and the final damning feature? My self-deprecating humour. Sure it makes me a lot of friends and keeps the attention but it also disqualifies me. With that brand of humour, I instantly put girls at ease but at the same time it immediately destroys any form of sexual tension that may exist. Furthermore, I realise I tend to do it excessively to the point where its almost natural.

I must stop this. Right now. Perhaps it will change my personality, maybe I will become uninteresting and boring. But looking at the choices, I guess there is no choice at all.